


asra’s dick catches fire, lucio has heelies, and nadia hates her husband

by kosherdillpickles (orphan_account)



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: F/M, Heelies, M/M, Parody, Smut, i am going to run over lucio with my honda civic, ironic, lucios a little bitch goddamn i want to fucking break all his bones, nadia hates lucio, or do they, portia is a 911 operator, the apprentice doesn’t exist, wasabi as lube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-10-27 15:05:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17769056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kosherdillpickles
Summary: Asra. His dick is on fire, he do . Fuck. ! julian





	1. lucio is a fat sack of shit who no one likes also asra’s dick

**Author's Note:**

> me and my friends wrote this together at lunch, everybody wrote a different sentence, and we passed it around the circle. this is how it turned out

“Fingers in his ass,” Asra chanted as he looked seductively at Julian.

He decided to use wasabi as lube that night, but Julian stopped him because they were out of condoms. Asra looked taken aback. 

“I bought some Plan B last night, so it’s okay.” 

“But we’re not married, and I’m a Christian,” Julian said.

“That’s even better,” Asra said. “Because I have a nun kink.”

“Okay, make sure to get your horse whip so you can beat me.”

Suddenly Nadia bursted through the door. She looked very gruntled’nt. “I’ll make sure you never take the kids again, Lucio! Oh, it’s just you, Asra and Julian.”

“NADIA WHAT THE FUCK,” Asra yelled, wasabi still on his dick. Fuck. 

“Want to join us?” Julian asked Nadia, jerking off Asra’s wasabi dick.

“No thanks, I hate my husband.” She left to chase after Lucio. 

“Hol’ up,” Julian began, sniffing the air. “Do you smell smoke?”

“No, I only smell the pleasant scent of your manly, sticky, sweet, Mountain Dew sweat.”

Julian furrowed his brow. “No, I really think something is burning.”

“That’s prolly my fire mixtape.”

“Nah dude, your shit is ass.” Julian began to cough. “What the hell, is that smoke?” He waved it away from his face with his hand. It seemed to be coming from Asra’s nether region.

Asra gasped. “Is my cock melting? OH SHIT DUDE, MY DICK IS ON FIRE!”

“I told you not to use wasabi!” Julian cried, panicking.

“How was I supposed to know it’d burn my dick? I’m black, so I thought I could handle it! SHIT, DUDE, IT’S HOT!”

“Like me,” Julian said, grinning. They both laughed before remembering that Asra’s dick was on fire. Julian pulled his phone out of his ass.

“Yeah, 911? My friend’s dick is on fire.”

The operator turned out to be his sister, Portia! “Oh, shit,” she said. “Have you tried turning it off and back on?”

“Nah, lemme do that, thanks.” Julian hung up. Then he turned to Asra. “Maybe if your hard-on goes down, the fire will too.” 

“But, Julian, you’re too sexy…” 

“Just imagine that I’m Lucio!”

“Oh, ew, what a fat sack of shit.” Asra’s erection went down, and so did the fire. Unfortunately, his BBC was reduced to a nub from the incident. 

Suddenly, Lucio rolled through the door on his heelies.

“Oh worm? I heard y’all bitches were talkin mad shit.”

Asra groaned. “Yeah, you suck.” 

“Wig,” Lucio said and he rolled away.

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. asra gets help from an old friend also fuck lucio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> asra thought he could forget that fateful day... yet, every waking day he is reminded. he lives in constant pain. how? how could he possibly live without His Dick? 
> 
> aka asra goes to julian for help with his dick-related nightmares

Asra awoke, screaming and sobbing. Another nightmare. They came every night, so often that he was afraid to sleep. Though, most days he ended up drifting off anyway. 

This was one of those days. 

He remembered darkness and heat. So very hot. The dreams were always the same. He would look down, and his dick would be in its normal state, but then a flame would erupt at the head and slowly char his member like a burning match until it got to the base. He could not scream. Asra was suffocating. He knew what he had to do. 

It had been a year that he'd been living with no dick. It was, in a word, hell. It stung to piss, and he couldn't even whip out his twelve inch chode whenever he saw Julian Devorak. Eventually, they had broken off; Asra was ashamed of his burnt ass cock, and Julian was upset that he couldn't get any more Boy Coochie. But now, Asra needed to swallow his pride and face the dreaded doctor. 

He had planned on tea with Nadia that day, and making his way to the castle, he debated whether he actually had the balls to talk to Julian. (He still had balls, just no dick.) No, he thought, that's setting yourself up to be miserable. Asra quickly perished the thought. 

Nadia was looking as stunning as ever, her violet hair silky and long, and her wardrobe still stylish and expensive. However, Asra could see wariness on her face when she spoke to him. He knew the cause. Her husband, Lucio, was a motherfucking cunt whore son of a goddamn bitch, and she knew. Everyone knew. He was ugly as shit. 

"How have you been holding up?" Asra asked her, sipping his tea gently. 

The Countess sighed, burying her face in her soft hands. "He's so fucking ugly, Asra, on god." 

Asra solemnly nodded. He already knew. "What are you going to do?" he inquired, patting her back in an attempt to comfort the distraught ruler. 

"I don't know, my bitchass sisters will hop on my dick if I get a divorce. Also, he's whiny as shit and he'll throw a tantrum." 

Asra tensed up as soon as the word "dick" left her lips. He gripped his teacup firmly and tried to keep his hands from shaking. Nadia noticed his strange behavior and quickly caught on. It was now her turn to do the comforting. 

"I'm so sorry, Asra," she said. He curtly nodded, blinking tears out of his eyes. 

Suddenly, someone entered the room. "HEY FUCKERS," the man said. It was none other than... Lucio! 

"FUCK YOU, PIECE OF SHIT," Asra said, flipping him off. 

"Okay," said Lucio as he rolled out of the room on his signature heelies. 

"yo tf was that," Julian asked, entering as soon as Lucio left. He saw that Asra was present and flushed bright red. "Oh my god, Asra, nice weather we're having." 

Asra frowned. This was not the talk he wanted to have today, and certainly not one he wanted to have in front of Nadia, but when she invited Julian to sit down, he knew it had to be said. 

"Ilya, I need your assistance. Is there any known cure that you have for, I don't know... nightmares? Something that will help me sleep easier?" 

Julian looked at Asra, surprised he had spoken at all. His eyes twinkled as a smile crossed his lips. "Bet, whatchu need, fam?"


End file.
